Love is all around us; this is undeniable. Some even argue that it’s the most powerful force that there is, the stuff that makes the world go round, the motivation to end all other motivations. I’m not here to argue with that today. We cannot deny that love brings so much joy and beauty to our world. The way we are connected and the way we decide to empathize with others is inspiring. However, in my humble opinion, some concepts surrounding this invisible force are easy to believe but hard to understand. I could write about many concepts I disagree with, like love at first sight, but instead, I want to focus on the one concept that I find particularly misleading: the idea that romantic love is unconditional. I don’t think it is.
When we think of unconditional love, we imagine having so much love for someone that, regardless of who they are or what they do, there’s no world where you don’t love and adore them. Unconditional means the absolute absence of any special terms and conditions; it means no matter what. Love is a little harder to define. But generally speaking, it means having constant feelings of affection, dedication, and enjoyment towards someone. When put together, unconditional love means loving without ANY strings attached; it means blindly. Although on the surface this might sound lovely and even desirable, I believe that when you take a closer look at what this entails, it gets a little distorted. For the sake of emphasizing the difference, conditional love means affection dependent on certain conditions, it means love based on rules and preset ideas, it is contingent on specific actions. The desirability of having someone love you blindly is something I put into question. While love isn’t typically something I pair with realism, I still believe it’s important to ask ourselves whether unconditional love holds up in the real world.
I want to start by saying that believing in unconditional love is not something most of us ever choose. It is a concept pumped into us as the most desirable version of love by the media and social culture. When we think of the portrayal of love in most movies or TV shows, it often transcends time and boundaries. It tells us that real love should be fought for, that it’s available to all of us, and that somewhere out there, we all have this perfect person waiting; someone who will love us forever, through thick and thin. This belief isn't just a coincidence. These stories are ingrained in us and project the idea that real love transcends effort, that it's about destiny rather than choices. Think about The Notebook, for example (a classic for a reason, of course, I am not, nor will I ever, dispute that). Yes, the letters are sweet, and yes, them being together in the end is lovely, but really, Noah, if you loved her that much, shouldn’t you have just gone looking for her? A little effort would have been nice. You built a house for Allie, but you never let her know. Cool, cool. A more modern example is “The Summer I Turned Pretty”, where a shy girl suddenly blooms into a young woman and gets the attention of two brothers she’s known her whole life. It’s not Belly boldly asking for what she wants that gets her the guy; she quietly and unassuming blossoms just enough to be noticed. Belly does the equivalent of batting her eyes, changing her wardrobe, and going to a bonfire to unlock lifelong devotion. She could never be deemed as “too much”. As if we’re supposed to wait patiently, silently, for someone to finally realize our worth, instead of being encouraged to voice our needs, express our feelings, and take up space.
The story presents subtle gestures as grand romantic acts, reinforcing the idea that love doesn’t require clear effort or communication. I’m not trying to argue that movies should all be realistic (they’re supposed to be magical, after all), but I am pointing out that hugely popular films like these perpetuate the idea that unconditional love is something we should strive for. Even though Noah did the absolute bare minimum to show Allie how he felt, they are still unconditionally and undeniably in love with each other. These narratives tell us that feelings alone are enough, that boundaries are unnecessary, and that conditions should be forgotten. No wonder we look at our love lives and think unconditional love is the ultimate goal. But love isn’t about silent suffering or grand, fateful moments; it’s about mutual effort, communication, and boundaries.
Because of all this, many of us internalize the idea that romantic love should be unconditional. But maintaining that kind of love comes with its own set of challenges. The very notion of “unconditional” feels almost fairy tale-like. It operates by a different set of rules, removed from the realities of adult relationships. So, when we begin to express our needs, it can feel like we’re tainting the romance. Like we’re turning love into a transaction. Suddenly, asking for what we want feels like bringing business into something that’s supposed to be effortless, natural, and freely given. The act of setting boundaries feels like it kills the spark, the magic.
Another challenge that keeps us from asking for the things we want is feeling like we are “too much”, like our needs take up too much space. For the people pleasers among us, this gets even trickier. We're so used to making sure everyone around us is comfortable and okay that we completely neglect our own needs. Over time, this turns into a habit, and when the moment finally comes to ask for what we truly require in a relationship, we freeze. Suddenly, it feels like we’re asking for… drumroll please… too much. The people pleaser in us is often more comfortable bending over backwards than actually communicating the things they may need. The idea that someone else might compromise for us, instead of the other way around, feels almost unfathomable. But here’s the thing: having conditions doesn’t mean we’re unwilling to compromise. In fact, it’s the opposite. Conditions create space for mutual compromise instead of constantly sacrificing ourselves to keep the relationship going. Loving unconditionally, at the expense of ourselves, limits our ability to grow and learn in whatever direction we need to. It keeps us small and stuck, and ultimately serves no one. As relationship therapist Esther Perel explains, when we consistently put our needs aside, we are reminded that love can hurt, but we continue loving the person who hurt us. Over time, those small betrayals of self stack up. Eventually, they lead not only to the breakdown of the relationship but to the breakdown of the trust we hold within ourselves.
The negative effects of maintaining an unconditional relationship on oneself are what lead me to argue that unconditional love should not exist in healthy partnerships. Putting other people’s expectations of you and their needs above your own leads to lower self-esteem in the long run. This is because you begin to internalize the idea that your worth is tied to how well you meet others’ demands, rather than how true you are to yourself. You are showing yourself that your needs are “less important” and that they should be pushed to the side to maintain what is deemed a fairytale-like relationship. Believing that relationships should come naturally to us, that they do not take effort and hard work, only hurts both people in the relationship, because you both stay stagnant. This ultimately inhibits the relationship from growing and flourishing. The lack of freedom to express your needs consistently isn’t beneficial for anyone; the dynamic becomes unbalanced, and that’s not healthy nor is it sustainable. Most importantly, you risk losing respect for yourself by never asking for what you want or require. It’s hard to do when we are not used to it, but it is crucial to build a healthy relationship with yourself or somebody else.
Embracing conditional romantic love is key to building healthier relationships. You have to allow yourself to uphold your conditions guilt-free. Everyone has a different set of life experiences, which means everyone’s list is different and valid. You’re not asking for too much; you’re simply being respectful of your own needs and boundaries. Identifying what you value allows you to define what a healthy relationship looks like for you. Having respect for each other’s boundaries is a good thing because it means you have one of the most important parts of a relationship down: communication. Without communicating, you won’t be able to speak openly about what you require, what feels good, or what doesn’t. Without that honesty, it becomes almost impossible to build real intimacy or trust. Setting conditions early means feeling comfortable enough to grow together and as individuals. To feel mutually fulfilled, you need to be able to grow and communicate comfortably and freely, consistently. Our fear of not being chosen should not hinder our need for boundaries and conditions in a relationship.
Unconditional love might sound romantic, even noble, but when held up to the light, it often fails to serve the very people it's meant to connect. Love, in its healthiest form, is not about losing ourselves for the sake of another. It’s about showing up fully, setting boundaries, communicating openly, and making space for mutual growth. The belief that love should be automatic, selfless, and eternal, no matter the cost, only leaves us disconnected from ourselves and each other.
So no, I don’t believe in unconditional love. I believe in conscious love, reciprocal love, love with boundaries, communication, and mutual respect. If love is real, it should make room for all of you, not just the parts that are easy to love.
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