Something my Mama knows

Yesterday was my Mama’s birthday (02.09.1967). For that occasion I will tell you about one special thing that I’ve come to understand about her over the last 26years, 5months and 3 days.

Dostoevsky said: “Beauty will save the world”. You & I probably don’t know what he meant by that but my Mama knows it, and here is why:

My Mama connects to beauty, to real beauty, to what’s natural. Without knowing it she has connected to it, she can feel it and her intuition knows it. She has been pulled in all directions and could have easily lost it but she has stuck to it.

This connection has been reinforced by certain experiences that she has had. For instance, the place she grew up in close and connected to nature, the tight group of loved ones she has had around her, the loss of her mother early on in her adult life and her marriage followed by the birth of 3 extremely charming, smart and overall wonderful kids. All of that has played an important role, underlined by a reasonable stubbornness.

In general, she holds on to views that are felt and intuitive, quite so often rejecting rational and logical reasoning behind things.

She has a longing for things related to nature, whether that’s plants or birds, mountains or lakes, and there is a deep love that she shows to people that have not been corrupted and perverted by things that are unnatural (yes, she feels that). This way of being proves to me over and over again that she knows something that makes her really unique.

That being said, there is some drawbacks that come with the gift. A painful longing and frustration that plays out as the years pass by. I believe she is realising what her feelings of longing represent. She is realising that she is spending more time away from the things she is longing for. The bigger the realisations, the stronger the pains and frustrations become. It is all driven by love and an incapability of making other people understand where the true meaning and most core things of us humans actually lie. I’m speaking from experience, thinking about the uncountable times Mama tried to pass along to her kids the values, feelings and intuitions she lives by. Intuition is created through experience, and our connection to nature, beauty and love are intuitive first and only if you are really lucky will become conscious and rational one day.

Imagine you intuitively know what’s really important cause you are feeling it, continuously, but you are young (my Mama was 27 when she got her first child) and to some extent unsecure, and grow up in an environment where money is not abundant and where circumstances tell you that it’s about other things than what you truly feel. It’s about learning, rationalizing things, where intellectual arguments outweigh by far intuition and what you feel, and where all of that is also the way of securing the future of your own family and your kids families.

While that is the way of living she has adopted, she has never forgotten that there is something more real then the artificially human created world.

I’ve come to understand and appreciate that about my Mama only recently. However, the love and attachment to her has been there since the earliest days of my life. She is the person I’ve by far been the most attached too, the strongest and for the longest time. Her presence was needed for me to feel safe and at ease in the earliest days until my early teenage years. The distancing process was painful and over the following years in the hardest times it was still Mama that I was drawn too. This connection remains and plays out in different but as intense ways today.

For me, in the last two years it has been time to find my own path, completely of the explored path that Mama has known and experienced. My exploration has led to our connection and love to express and show itself in more challenging and painful ways. Discussions, arguments, tears and hurtful moments were and still are a part of it. Love and deep connections play out in loads of different ways and these days that’s how things play out for us. It is temporary and does not change anything of the core of what connects us, if anything it makes everything stronger and at the end we both know that.

I believe that connection and love sometimes stand in the way of understanding what we try to communicate or what the other person is doing. I believe that is at the core of our current relationship. Truth is that I’ve had and still have a hard time understanding her when emotions come into play and the same thing the other way around.

I know that who my Mama is and what she has tried to communicate to me and my sisters and all other people around her is something that will play a huge role in guiding me and helping me to succeed on my unexplored path. She might not know it yet, but she will know it once there is an opportunity for her to experience it. Then she will recognise it and see that what she knows intuitively is a whole part of me too and that it has been playing a huge role in who I’ve become and will become in the coming years.

Mama I love you and are more than thankful for who you are and the values and learnings you have given me by sticking to who you truly are and what is important to you. You will keep being the person I am the most connected too because that’s how it has always been, and I wouldn’t like it to be any other way.

Happy birthday (J+1)