Professional human

by Lil Dicky ft. Lil Joh and the finance boys at HANI I.N.- sung by nobody yet

Johannes (Joh) show’s up at a the HANI investment network, that till this day has been operating like every other investment firm. New ideas, new teams, new projects, new businesses, look at the numbers… Good investment? Bad investment? Invest or don’t invest. Classic. Johannes walks into the office and wants to speak to the networks core team and present and elaborate on his new investment approach. It goes like:

(keep on reading while listening to this track)

Hello, how can I help you?
Hi, my name's Johannes
Uh, I have an appointment today
It's probably under "Lil Joh", actually I'm a, I'm a human with a vision, so...
Okay, and who are you here to see?
Uh, the “Hani Investment Network”? Says here "HANI I.N.”
Oh, yeah, they are right down the hall, first door to your right
Giv’em a knock and they should be right with you
Thanks, it's uh, this door right here, right?
Mm-hmm
Thank you

Grab a seat
Thanks I'm Joh very nice to meet
Joh, what it do? You can call us Hani
Let me just check your sheet
No problem, ser’s, let me just say
I'm a big fan of the shit that y'all make
I can't lie, I been thinking about this all day
All good, there's a reason that we called, Joh
Let us start with your background
Where you come from?

Sure, I was undergrad down there in Rotterdam
Before that
Oh, you talking 'bout my hometown?
Yeah
I was born out of Baden-Württemberg grew up in a little silly old town called Crailsheim
It's in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around
So real shit you ain't never had to struggle for much
I wouldn't say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap

Elaborate
Well I ain't never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school
Like I was doing shit I had to do
So when I finished undergrad, I'm cool
And I can do whatever MSc I wanted
But the MSc you wanted wasn't all that bumping
Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming
When you grow up like that
Know you been joining them mobs, you ain't been making them Jobs

Boo hoo what a hardship
How you paid to get the mission shit started?
Man, my crypto money
But don't diss me buddy
I wasn't one of them youngins up on the block who had nothing to lose
I must've wanted this a lot, I had something to choose
Look at that, we can say there's something to prove up in your ass
Yeah, I guess
That's enough of the past, what makes you want to solve missions?

Oh my God, it's the best
Bitches let me draw up on their breasts
Literally I can reinvent myself
I got a forum to project myself
It's never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself
I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself
It's kinda healthy
Cool, now let us put you through a couple hypotheticals
Sure

In a club and a couple finance boys threaten you
Uh, I wouldn't do shit
And I don't even get what that got to do with this?
Shut the fuck up, investing's like life
If you wanna do this, then you won't get far acting like a little bitch
Nah, that's my niche!
Don't get offended by this, but that's the market y'all missed
That's the target I'll hit
And that's the heart of my pitch
I wanna do this whole thing different

What the fuck you mean you wanna do the whole thing different?
Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know
Traditionally people have been doing the job, uh, you know
The same kind of way for a long time
But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right?
Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know
You don't know if it could be working even better
And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out
I don't mean any disrespect by that
I'm just saying I have a different background
Like a different perspective way of looking at things
Than your typical investor

So what are your biggest strengths?
Well my obsession is crazy, I can switch that amazing
For example, I can be like ain't nobody fucking with my missions
When I get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous
Ripping this shit like it's never been did and the problems is never predictable
'Cause I can solve it, deliver this shit for whatever difficulty you bitches prefer
Alright, alright, we get it

Top of that, humanely I'm pretty damn clever (Go)
Got a long position bitch, called long hoe-manity (Whoa)
And I ain’t liquidating it, like covid 19 in the 20’s (Oh)
You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better
And y'all been shorting like Eisman in his 40’s
Bro, I can go on and on
I'm taking over any man like father-in-laws
Okay enough of the punchlines
That ain't showing us you different from the other guys

Well, I don't know if they can run it like that
But ain't nobody else doing D-mission investing
What's that?
Well I can talk to Bill about global warming
Watching All-In and jerking off to Jason’s cognitive dissonance
Like the 13 year old Weaver
Oh this shit like a joke to you?
We don't get it
Nah it ain't like that
I just happen to be a nutty abundantly multidisciplinary type of individual

Like as a guy
So when I get up on making changes I ain't finna just lie
Real recognize real, right?
Yeah, we guess
So what you trying to do?
Five years from now, tell me bout the dude
Well, I don't care about the money
Like, it's the change that I'm wanting
Honestly, I just want to join with all the “greats”
Where they gotta bring up our missions and style at every debate
I don't wanna leave the game the same

In a nutshell, what's your legacy?
Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the mission investing stuff
With the decentralization stuff and participation seem like a bluff for the people that was anti-stuff
Yet, the fans of bluff started recognizing that anti-stuff
Is ironically one of the real brands of stuff left
That shit sound pretty damn complex

I guess, I wanna be the best
I just wanna do it my way
And turn the whole game sideways
And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway
You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight
We ain't mad at that
Well thanks, man, that's my plan of my attack
Just let me in and I'ma make the stuff
And I ain't about to win them back to back
I'm 'bout to win them like it's back to back to back to back to back
'Til I stop making

You haven't even achieved a damn mission yet
True
That's a lot of talk from a wily vet
Let alone a young rook investa
You misread me
Nah this ain't a book digga
Well that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive dawg
No, you just fucking repetitive dawg
We get it, you trying to be better than all
But you ain't shit until cheddars involved

I get that I gotta prove myself
No shit you ain't done shit
Think about that though
Only doing this a couple of years
One investment and numbers like this?
This shit is aight for your first shit
But you don't know if it's your worst shit
You don't think finding out would be worth it?
It might be, it might not
But we are gonna put your ass to work, kid

Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really?
Well one more thing, let us see if you could put a model together
What would you do for evaluating this project?
You want me to make a model up right now?
Do we look like the type of investa’s that like repeating themselves?
Alright, uh, okay
Man do the model

I'm 'bout to be professional
Homie, I'm professional

Uh, maybe like a longterm type thing?
Digga, that shit is garbage man
Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it
But I'm not good at moddeling things on the spot like that
Don't y'all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes?
Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg shit right there

Yeah, you know, I'm just way better when I get to think things through
Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing
Whatever man, you tryna smoke a blunt?
Right now?
Yeah
Sure

Dope, Cathy, bring some weed in here, please, thank you
(You got it, Hani, I'll be right there)
Thanks, Cathy, super nice woman
Digga, why does everything you say sound so soft?
Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so...
Whatever, thanks
(Hey, I got y'all y'all weed)
Damn, that's some great looking weed, it's just so early
(Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here?)
(Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?)

D-Did you just say head?
(Yeah, you ain't never got no head before?)
I mean, just feels like, a lot, right now
(Okay)
But what kind of tea do you guys have?
(We got mint, raspberry, Earl Grey, English Breakfast...)
Actually, I'll take head
(I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head)

Alright and here’s the original.